comfortably(?) numb

For a while i have been comfortably numb.

Taking in everything that comes my way, with a smile.

I have let the course of my life be directed by the decisions made by others and not get angry not get pissed off if things didn’t go my way and not be disappointed when I didn’t get what i want.

This is the stage when you know that you want more, but you rather not as the fine balance that has been created will break and wont get back to its initial stage.

But does it have to break? to grow? am i hindering it? Should i just let go? Should i just do what i want? or should i just be in the comfortably numb stage as long as i can? should i “break free”? But break free and then what? Do i need another option to let go of this one? 

Should i keep concentrating on the things that i feel are important and just move with the flow??

Am I waiting for Divine intervention AGAIN?!

I feel its drink time … and more than one will do.

Internal Monologue

Me1- I cant believe its for life

 Me2 - What?

Me1 – This marriage thing … what else?

Me2 – Yaaa neither can I believe it is

Me1 – So what to do now?

Me2 – Run away

Me1 – It is tempting

Me2 – But you will have to take the public transport … you know

Me1 – Umm … yaaaa …. That wont be nice

Me2 – Not only will it be crowded but also too much stops and then you are not even sure, if you want to run away that bad

Me1 – I cant believe I am still digesting the fact … womaaaan!

Those three words that matter ~

It was around 6:30 in the morning, husband and me on the bed taking in the view from the window.

Sun just peeking in from behind the clouds, birds chirping and the slight winter chill in the morning that makes you want to snuggle in a bit more.

Yes i had a bus to catch, he had to drive to office and of course it was still mid week … with no escape.

He snuggled closer … I did too … warm embrace.. no inclination to leave … time ticked by …

That’s when husband jostled me out of my senses saying ” I love you” (the three words… oh god!! …)

… my right eye brow went up …. “Oh yeah? What did you say?”

The filmy guy that he is … he said … those three words that every girl wants to hear in the morning…

I thought for a moment … I asked did you just say … “You want coffee?” With as much as a straight face that I could muster…

Am i a complete party pooper or what?

Couldn’t help bursting out it giggles though ….

Boss Speak

As the Satyam controversy takes a new turn and the blame game starts. There is a tension in the office air. A silence peppered with the keyboard clicks. The whooshing of coffee machines and the hush talks in the corners.

 I feel a bit depressed with my phone ringing off the hook enquiring all is well? And my boss (oh he is so sweet!) rattles away on the phone -

Life must go on … until physically hanged … virtual hanging toh ho gayee hai …

I pop a disprin … mull over the media frenzy … 4th cup of coffee … (i wasn’t this tense at my wedding… i wonder)

I feel small … little … insignificant … a pawn in the bigger scheme of things … a small speck whose destiny has been decided … all that I can do is try to be happier or just throw a bitch fit!

end is near …1

My end is near, so i am doing things that I wanted to (how bollywood can i get?!)

Met up with my x and told him all that I wanted to. So it is out of my system and into his. And doesnt feel so bad cause now it doesnt matter

Today I will run on that green patch in the embassy area. Have been passing that patch for a year now and havent done that so weeeee …. I shall run!

Met up with my model friend, she made all the mistakes she wanted to in life and now at 30 she stays alone looking for Mr Right. Felt a bit sorry for her, but I know that she is having a blast doing it her way. 

Will be eating lunch at the dhabba outside my office, its dirty, filthy and all the drivers come there but I have heard the food rocks… reason enough to go

More updates … as I go along …

…

Doesnt matter how wonderful it is … cause i dont want it

Friday, November 14, 2008

The date will go down in Disengage History as a crucial turn of events.

Today of course is the day the end of me has started in a speedier manner.

The day when Disengage let go of her thoughts, principles, aims and perhaps her dreams … to let go … to try to find peace… 

To jump with her eyes tight shut in the dark abyss with no rope ….. only trusting that voice which says … don’t worry it will be fine.

And no she didn’t want to jump, she was quite happy on the ground she thought will be there for as long as she will require it

She thought she had time to make her mind …. she didn’t realise that something will be shoved down her throat … and like a bitter pill … she will have to swallow.

It is scaring the hell out of me … so i try not to think about it … 

But one thing is for sure it is the end of me … …. me as I know me

Office Learnings

Few office learnings, I value, I treasure and I am starting to follow –

1. Walk slow and I mean really slooooow, especially when walking towards the office or walking to or from a place for any official work

2. Eat. Relish each bite. Slow eating is a good, healthy exercise.

Please chew your food and take few sips of that cola, spend 30 minutes on a meal and if pepered with a lively discussion stretch it to 60 minutes, especially when in office

3. Do not and I mean it DO Not tell the boss that you need more work. The outcome for this is ALWAYS and I seriously mean it ALWAYS is MORE CRAP WORK!

4. Do not be Happy and Smiling in Office, instead be the sulky, long faced employee. Honestly no one cares and the smiles will just lead to more conversation and more work and more WORK!!!

This gets me to the question – Am I overworked?

5. Quiting is NOT an Option. YOu WILL not quit and dreaming about that beach holiday while sitting under an AC duct (that works on full blast) is just going to lead to more misery 

Thats all folks —- More later ……

Why White Tiger got the Man Booker Prize

I will confess beforehand that I haven’t read the book. Though I will buy it today itself and start reading. But the first thing that comes to my mind when I read the excerpts of the book is that it is India Bashing at its best.

What bothers me more than anything is the fact that in all the reviews the “the dark heart” of India aspect has been highlighted.

For years money has been made in art, literature and social work, by selling poor Indians and their hungry kids with their torn clothes, running noses and deprived eyes, running bare-feet on the roads, begging for alms and mercy.

There have been innumerous photographs, paintings that have sold the poverty of India at its best.

And literature pretty much takes the cake, starting with Amartya Sen, Salman Rushdie to name a few noted authors

A particular article in the Telegraph starts of with The White Tiger and then just goes on and on about the details of poverty in India.

Slums and Mumbai have become synonyms. Beggars on the streets of India are a must see for tourists. Hungry-Indian-Kids are words used together more often than not.

I can’t digest this a wee bit, why highlight a certain aspect of a country? And by doing so throw the dignity/ self respect of the people involved (the beggars, slum dwellers) down the drain

Mr. Adiga, to really drill in the poor aspect of India, I refuse to shell out Rs 400 for your book, instead I shall read the pirated version of your book (Rs 100)

Me a party pooper? …

Maybe

Say cheese

I like photographs.

I like the fact that for a span of three seconds, as soon as “Say Cheese” resounds people, forget their worries and freeze in time and space to get the perfect photograph. I like family pics for the same reason. The whole family all smiles!

I like smiling pictures, where people pause and smile and pretend this is the happiest moment in their life and it couldnt get better.

About my pictures I have noticed is that I am ALWAYS smiling, ofcourse if I am aware I am being clicked.Its just amazing how many smiley pics I have. Yes even the passport sized ones.

Say cheese signifies Smile, its that Switch On for a smile.

The word as such does not really require your lips to curl up while prouncing it as you can say cheese with a sullen face as well, but i guess it is the absurdity of the phrase that gets people to smile and then it just became a norm.